just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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