sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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