I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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