I think my vagina is haunted
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
