I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
