I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
