just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
