oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
