why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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