I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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