I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
