I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
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do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
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Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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