I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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