I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
God, you're like boner-b-gone
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
