i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
