Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
