I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
