just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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