A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
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