I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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