I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
