You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
