listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
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btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
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His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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