The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
