my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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