News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
