Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
