Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
