went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
