There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
