nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She needs sedatives and a leash
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
