My sheets look like a crime scene.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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