you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
