I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
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Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
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Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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