forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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