It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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