Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
