There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
