Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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