Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
