i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
