I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
