1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
