I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
even my farts smell like vagina
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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