if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize