3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
