Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
