Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
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literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
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We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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