That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
