I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
