I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
