So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
