god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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