I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
