Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
