Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
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he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
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After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My life is pants optional.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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