On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
