Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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