Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
