Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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