They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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