the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
