Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
